Oh, and then in the last 24 hours …

 
I kicked drugs, rescued the Secretary of Defense, uncovered and executed three moles, gave out 12 Presidential pardons including new identities and safe passage to a neutral country, went double-secret undercover, was forced to assassinate a coworker to keep my cover, promised many women I would come back for them only to arrive seconds after they’ve been gunned down, dismantled two nuclear bomb, neutralized a killer virus, got fired and reinstated four times, spoke to the President on my cell phone 51 times, got my best friend sober and reinstated as my supervisor after his being previously tried convicted and imprisoned for treason, shot my supervisor with a tranq dart , cold-cocked and duct-taped my supervisor to a chair, executed my district supervisor with a shot to the back of the head to prevent a former MI6 agent from blowing up the United Stated of Los Angeles, broke out of two jails and into one, fought a cougar, ended diplomatic relations with China, was kidnapped by a drug cartel, was kidnapped by terrorists who tried me over the internet, was kidnapped by Kevin Dillon, staged various armed robberies as distractions, tortured 13 subject for information — a couple of which were even possibly guilty of something, trashed 5 helicopters, two jet fighters, Air force 1 and a maximum security prison, faked my own death, faked my own defection, talked my way back under cover with drug rings that I previously busted, ran into several arch enemies previously presumed dead and cut them new deals under duress, got Kim an internship, — all while screaming "millions of people will die in the next fifteen minutes if you don’t do exactly as I say!

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