Category Archives: Garland D’Warhoone

Review: Captain’s Glory (Star Trek)

Shatner stumbles in Captain’s Glory, print media’s 920th attempt to adapt Denny Crane’s previous incarnation from the screen. I have not read the book, for to do so would only influence my opinion and therefore pollute the journalistic integrity of this review. I am more interested in knowing who does read these books, as I have never met anyone who has, nor have I met anyone who has met anyone who has. And to what end are they read? Other questions, just as frightening, come to mind. Why are there no T.J. Hooker novels? There are Diagnosis Murder novels, there are Murder, She Wrote novels, as a child my nephew owned not one, but two Man from U.N.C.L.E. novels – both in German. Or, more provocatively yet, what if there are T.J. Hooker novels, only to be systematically hidden from me? The implications are mind-boggling. I have not been paid yet for my previous review so the conscience of capitalism compels I cut this one to the quick. – Garland D’Warhoone

The Right Reverend Deacon Dr. D’Warhoone asks that copies of T.J. Hooker novels to be considered for review be sent to: The-Narrows-off-Old-Bottom-Farm Road, Blueville,  Pancake Dinner Mountain, Oklahoma. 

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No Episode of “Lost” Tonight

10-26-2005 Dateline: USA – Today a consortium of geeks, nerds, and hipsters called for a national day of mourning to mark the first Wednesday of the fall season without a fresh episode of Lost.

"There will be a repeat of episode 02.02 tonight, and 02.03 will air again next week" said Colin Glip of Portland Oregon, who moonlights from his day job as a software engineer to act as spokesman for the consortium, "but as each of us should have had ample time for repeated viewings of ‘Man of Science, Man of Faith’ and ‘Orientation’ via Tivo, Bit Torrent, and iTunes, we encourage all true Losties to spend the day in silent prayer and meditation. Of course, repeated additional viewings of ‘The Dharma Initiative Orientation Film for Station 3’ are always recommended and we encourage fans facing significant personal challenges or withdrawal symptoms to view this film as often as needed. We require that everyone stay strong for the hurdles ahead during sweeps," Glip continued, referring to the reported impending death of a major female character during the November period when TV networks report their viewership numbers to advertisers.

Many sources point toward Shannon as the likeliest victim. But among Losties there is a clear division of opinion over who should die. "Women hate Kate, so they want it to be her. Men are still clinging to the hope that it’ll be the French lady," said Glip. "There are those few who don’t care who it is," he said, with a slight curl of the lip. "But those are mostly Tailies. You know … Ana-Lucia fans. We don’t talk to them. They simply aren’t like us, when all is said and done."

"Lost" returns with new episodes November 9th. — Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs V


Critic Garland D’Warhoone opines
: "Oates, King, Straub, Houellebecq, step aside.  Using modes of pacing, character, and dialog seemingly ripped from a parallel reality – or culled perhaps from the unholy reaches of space – comes a new master of the macabre."  
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Unused Book Blurbs IVa

For Saturday, quadruple D’Warhoone!

"His best book since Lucky Jim!" – Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs IVb

"Quite simply his finest book since Lucky Jim!" – Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs IVc

"A novel in the spirit of Lucky Jim" – Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs IVd

"Lucky Jim!" – Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs III

"A fine beginning. However, if Count Tolstoi had but considered the reverse of his opening sentence and rewritten accordingly, he may well have produced a more concise tome." -Garland D’Warhoone.

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Unused Book Blurbs II

"I read it, and when I looked down at what I had read I saw that it was good." — Garland D’Warhoone

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Unused Book Blurbs I

For decades Garland D’Warhoone (always generous to a fault with his time) has provided unsolicited blurbs to book publishers. Owing to editorial cronyism, these blurbs have rarely, if ever, been seen by the general public. Knockout Press will soon rectify this situation by bringing out a collection of the best twelve to fifteen-hundred of these gems. Beginning today, from time to time we will offer one or two here as a bonus for the enjoyment of our site’s gold members.

"Science Fiction takes a flying leap into the twentieth-century unlike any since Mrs. Shelly’s original!" – Garland D’Warhoone

Now become a Gold Member today!

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D’Warhoone Biography

Here is the bio for the reviewer who’s work is featured in the post directly above this one.

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